A burst of Clarity, Old thoughts, Jan 2009...

im up all night, but not on purpose. i have a million thoughts
competing for attention in my head. wild delicious imaginative artful
crazy thoughts. I have a.d.d.,, not the pretend kind, the real kind,
the kind where your mom still calls to make sure your cleaning your
room and paying your bills and offering money before u bottom out your
account. Day 6 off my meds, not purposeful, more practical, being sick
does not warrant the neccesity for focus. But while the mediction im
on helps with impulse and focus on say, not getting distracted while
running my errands, it really took the oomph out of my creative ideas,
my outside the box way of thinking and the rapid spitfire of ideas
that really come colliding and competing for attention. It dulled the
chaotic chatter, the chatter is best turned off for driving, but bad
to not have it for my writing. Tonight for instance, I researched image
consulting businesses, thought of a new tv show idea about
understanding what and why we eat, worked on an old draft for another
reality show, and in bed, figured out redocorating ideas for the
apartment. I am crazy. But in a good way. Hope this inspiration
lasts!

on love and loss...

This is from Stephanie Klein's blog, and I love what it says...

"I think the key to a happy life, a full life, is to love all you have, to feel lucky for each interaction, to watch and interact and learn from the people in your circle, BUT to realize that they're not yours to keep. When you go at life with this outlook, you take responsibility of your own happiness and don't overstep your bounds and force your shit onto someone else. You have to love deeply, but loosely, knowing each of us has our own journey and that those in our path will forever change it, change us, but they're not ours to keep. We all have to embrace the unknown. And one of the hardest things to realize is that it's not disloyal to move on. I think so many of us allow guilt to discolor our happiest moments because we think we're betraying the person who's gone. We worry that if we aren't constantly grieving and missing and aching that it means we loved them less. We wrongly equate the severity of our pain with the depth and sincerity of our love.

The truth is--and it's hard to always live it this way--that it's a cycle, and one day when it's our turn, we'll leave behind loved ones who'll feel angry that we're not there to experience things with them, angry that we didn't have more opportunities to experience the highs. It's why in honor of those we love, we have to commit to eating the marrow, to live without the self-inflicted guilt, to live our lives out loud while they're ours to live.

I'm not saying it's easy to love loosely. The truth is we can't live our lives in prevention mode, keeping our feelings under lockdown, hoping to escape the inevitable pain one day. Because it never fucking works. But it has to make it easier seeing each moment as a loan."


there are too many times that people feel guilty for moving on from things, but its okay, life changes, people's paths change, and you can't hold onto someone tightly that doesn't want to be held on to... sometimes people go on different paths and grow apart, and sometimes people's needs are met better by someone or something else, but it doesn't necessarily mean that what you had with someone meant any less.

wasting time...

i'm drunk. and why not, I've been very good all weekend. so tonight I drink. and download songs from jr high and high school, trash can sinatras, the cure, morrissey, i'm alone, back in my 14 year old world of angst and longing, just me and my headphones. my husbands asleep and needs to wake up in an hour, I will probably be up a few hours after, calling my new job and trying to finagle a week in october i need off, ordering bridal shower stuff for a friend that i'm not sure wants to get married, hoping my ADD pills will keep me from eating enough for another day to get me to fit into my bridesmaid dress i'm suppose to wear in two weeks, and in the mean time, procrastinating, remembering scott smith and matt stevens, angela parker and rayna martinez, people who i don't know what happened to recently, names changes, families forged, people that meant so much, but now are lost. but i still have "lullaby", "king lear" and "fascination street".....

Hilarious article a friend wrote...

So many people focus so much energy on "the wedding" that they completely forget you're stuck married to the guy after! Although I lucked out and am living in the reality of life-ever-after (sometimes happy and sometimes not), here is a good article to read about what happens when you're divorced by 30...


How to get Divorced by 30

Escape from Barzilla - Opinion

Here is an old article that I wrote for my college newspaper, the daily aztec, when i had a biweekly opinon column!


Escape from Barzilla - Opinion

More than I could have ever hope for....

This summed up my wedding day....amazing, overwhelming, but endlessly awe invoking! I loved every minute of it and wished it didn't go by so fast! Here are a few photos, more to come, since these aren't unofficial from friends-- I can't wait to see what my photographer captured!

Blues and greens?

I think I'm leaning towards having blue and green be my colors, with accents of orange.... here are some looks i love....

Wedding coordinator blues

So, my mom insisted we hire a wedding coordinator, since we're doing the wedding in San Diego, and I live in L.A., but we hired the first one we spoke with and now I'm really wishing I had shopped around, or at least interviewed a few others. Turns out my coordinator usually deals with only higher end weddings, and has suggested an estimated budget for us at....$58,800!!!!! For 150 people! We're by no means wealthy, and I couldn't imagine spending a down payment for a home on a one day wedding! She's trying to tell me that paying anything less than 6500 for a photographer comprimises "quality," and that we can go lower than 4500 for flowers, but we'd be looking pretty sparse. Come on! I work in production! I wasn't born yesterday, and I know how to finagle a deal or two! And more specifically, when we hired her, I told her I wanted her to think party, not wedding. So, for those of you that in the market for a coordinator, I would suggest asking the following questions:

What is the average budget of the weddings you plan?

Do you have vendors to reccomend that fall in a variety of price ranges?

Do you think you can still acheive an amazing event despite any budget limitations?

Those are three questions I wish I would have asked before I signed her contract. Now I'm not sure if we're stuck, or if I should figure out how to cut our losses and hire someone else!

Did any of you have problems or concerns with a coordinator? Are there any other questions you might ask before hiring one on?